Recently my sisters and I have been spending much more time with our Grandma. Usually Grandma is racing around doing more than we normal people do....times one hundred. Recently Grandma has been have migraines that last for hours sometimes through the days. Most of us all thought it was related to stress but my Grandma insisted on getting an MRI to make sure that it was not a tumor. Meanwhile down in Butte Katherine and I planned to go to Mass on Thursday long before we heard about this and when we found out we offered up the Mass for Grandma. When we came home last weekend then we found out that Grandma was healthy, just needed to slow down a bit. So all weekend my sisters and I spent time with Grandma, taking her to a cousin's basketball game, going cross country skiing, and watching Wonder Woman with her. (Yes, my 65 year old Grandma watched Wonder Woman...and loved it!) Spending this time with Grandma was so good. As granddaughters we were able to slightly give back some time that Grandma gave us when we were younger. How often I wonder what it would be like to not have the strong family around us. A thought coming from this was how often I have pushed my family to the side in the midst of my frustrations with them. I have been trying to teach myself to take a moment and ask myself if my frustrations are worth it. If I were to come home and not have this family, what would my life be like?
Leading to this is my blow up that I had with my mother. Usually I just sulk for a day or two about what is bothering me, disappear and try to fix things within myself because often it really is just my issue. This last weekend did not exactly go like that. Instead I was trying to drown out any anger that was within me but let all things go. Storming off from the table I went to our classroom and began to work on homework. Now where did this anger come from? I have been close to my mother for many years, including high school years. When my sister began to go to college this year I felt pushed to the side and almost forgotten about. I also felt as if I my decisions and work were worth nothing because I was not on the path everyone seemed to want to find me on. Adding to this I felt as if I had lost my best friend, my mother, because I was not working hard enough. Looking back it is all very silly and probably ridiculous to any outsider but to me I felt the distance growing between my parents and I. I am not a peacekeeper but I am not like most young adults my age who are able to grow apart from their parents so easily. So do not let things bottle up but maybe be a little more gentle in how you tell your family members something.
Dear Mom,
We all need a mother and some of us need one more than others. I feel as if you are my closest friend and adviser in life. You have had some pretty amazing adventures and your life as a young adult was just a tad bit different than mine which is why I love listening to your advice. Sometimes I am bull headed and want to try my own thing which often means I did not heed your words of wisdom but thought my way was better. I am still learning (both in books and life) and often wish I would've listened but such is life. Someday I can tell my kids (your grandchildren, scary thought) that I was a bit of a rebellion and liked to study life on the chemical level versus the systematic level but that the only reason I could do that was because you had made sure that my high school days were filled with math and writing. I can tell my kids, "because of your Grandma we are doing reactions instead of memorizing facts from the history book." So Mom the only reason I am where I am at is because of you. Often I forget it and out of my short temper I lash out but all I am trying to say is that sometimes I miss you and because I am often a porcupine with a hard outside and a soft inside I suck at telling you that.
I love you.
Your Oldest,
Michaela
Til Next Time,
~A Girl Chasing Her Dreams
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